One Year

A Year Later…

In the past year, I have had some major life changes… separated and divorced after a 14 1/2 year marriage, resigned from the mormon church, moved into a place of my own, entered the work force, started college again, and became a single mother for the first time to six children.

I am not the same person I was then and here are a few things I have learned…

I learned that I can love so much that it can break my heart into a thousand pieces.

I learned that even if that love is not returned, I can still live without regret, knowing that I gave my all.

I learned that love hurts and tears and breaks you down into nothingness… and that if the love is real, it will hold you up when you are feeling down… it will give you a safe place to land when life gets you down.

I learned that there is no one perfect person for you, just that person staring back at you from the mirror.

I learned that the cracks in my heart can not be repaired by anyone else, that even a loving, burning touch, a crooked smile, a knowing look in someone’s eyes can not put back together any broken pieces of my heart… but all of these things have helped pull me up, for love truly heals.

I learned that sometimes I just want to be held, and there is nothing wrong with that… that it’s ok to need someone sometimes, to want to be told that everything is going to be alright.

I learned that sometimes being alone is just as awful as I feared.

I learned that sometimes being alone is just as wonderful as I feared.

I learned that the meeting of minds can be as stimulating and filling as the most passionate lovemaking session, to have someone ‘know’ you is to have my soul lit on fire.

I learned that the only person who will ever truly understand and be there for me, during my darkest night, is myself… that I can not rely on anyone else but myself to save me, to hold me up, and to put me back together.

I learned that sex and love are not substitutes for each other, but that sometimes they mesh together beautifully into a perfect dance.

I learned that when I am in my darkest hours, I will know who my real friends are.

I learned that seeing the smile of someone I love, all the way up to their eyes, will often get me through the hard times… knowing that I can bring a little joy to someone’s life.

I learned that nothing good or beautiful lasts…. that tomorrow it is gone… for tomorrow we all die… and that the more I live in my tomorrow, the more regret and pain I find along the way.

I learned that when I need time alone, I need to answer that call… that I need to fill my own cup before I can help anyone else.

I learned that my capacity to love is strong… sometimes overwhelming… that I will most likely be alone throughout my life, with the heart of a gypsy… if I am lucky enough to have a few lovers while I am here, I will consider this a true gift. I am grateful for the gift I have of any love that comes my way and fills my day, whether it is for an hour, a day, or a few years… I will be a better person for having loved and been loved. For where I invest my love is my life.

I learned that every person I meet, for good or ill, has something to teach me… if I am willing to listen, to hear, and to look honestly at myself… which is always scary.

I learned that I need to be more gentle with myself. I fuck things up all the time. I am a work in progress, and sometimes I feel crazy and don’t make any sense to my own self. It’s ok to cut myself some slack once in awhile. It doesn’t help me or anyone else to hold myself to higher standards than everyone else.

I learned that it’s alright to change… that I will never go back to the person I was and to do so would only bring me heartache.

I learned that I have something to say… that I can transfer my feelings to paper through words… and that by holding back, I am not truly using my gift.

I learned that my home can be wherever my heart is… that I can live anywhere and in any place, but where I belong is where my heart longs for.

I learned that if I drown my feelings and stuff them down, that I become numb and hardened… this protects my heart, this keeps me from breaking… but if I don’t take the chance to break, to open up, then I will never feel true joy… if I am angry, it is alright to scream and cry. If I am sad, it is alright for me to be sad. If I am happy, I can laugh and smile and sing and let it bubble out. If I am frustrated, I can walk or run or listen to music until my frustration gets out. If I am bored or alone, I can reach into my mind and create and write. If I am feeling pain or sorrow, I can curl up into the fetal position and let myself cry. I am learning to reach out and ask for a hug from someone who cares for me. If I am scared, I can walk into my fear and face it… and not shy away from it so that my fear can be conquered. If someone I love is sad or depressed, it is alright to reach out and offer my arms and my ear… for in sharing their pain, I help them and myself to not feel so alone.

I learned that sometimes music is the only way that I can communicate how I feel… when there are no longer any more words from my mind… that only the feelings can come out through someone else’s words until I can find my own again.

I learned that I worship nature… the ocean, the beach, the way that the waves continue to kiss the shore over and over again, that the moon and the sun and stars are the only sky gods that I care to look to for guidance, that a dark night can bring more peace to my soul than any religious building… that my children’s smiles and hugs, music, making love, a soft touch, a connection, a delicious meal shared with friends, dancing with abandon, the smell of a baby’s head, being witness to a birth and death… this is my religion… my worship…my life.

I learned that there no sins… no mistakes… just lessons to learn… every person that comes into my life is an opportunity for me to learn something…  whether they are apart of my life for one day or many years.

I learned that my children are my heart… not puppets to shape and mold into what I want… but that they are little people growing and learning and loving just like me… and I am a better person for having them in my life, blessed to know and love them.

I learned that the more I protect, the more I harden myself from hurt and pain, the less joy and love I bring to myself… that pain is inevitable, but it helps crack me open so that I can love even more again… for pain is our teacher, and as much as it hurts, it is better to love than to feel nothing at all.

I learned that someday when I am gone from this earth, I want every person I have ever loved to never question how important they are to me… that they will always know…that I will not be forgotten.

I learned that most people will not understand me, no matter how much I try to share… that even if I find a glimpse of understanding in someone’s smile, touch, laugh, or connection I am lucky beyond belief… for to be known and understood, even for a moment, fills my soul in a way that most things can’t.

I learned that just when I have finally understood something, then everything changes again… for what I have learned most of all is that there is so much more I have yet to learn…